she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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