is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If I die, sorry about rent.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Are these your boobs on my camera?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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