either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
