...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
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Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
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Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
FUCK WHALES
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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