Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.