Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.