Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.