It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.