i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
