I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
