my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
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Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
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Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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