The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
