Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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