i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm too high and old for this...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
