I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
