All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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