Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie