can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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