i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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