I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I came so hard my ears popped.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
