Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
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I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
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Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.