happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.