Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted