She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
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she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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