I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
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can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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