I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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