You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
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Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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