went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
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So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
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Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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