I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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