How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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