i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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