Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
