You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
