My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You are a genius and a whore.