I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.