apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.