I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.