If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
