Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
