i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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