I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
