I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
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Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
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I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.