I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.