party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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