I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.