They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
