One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
