i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
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No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
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Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If I die, sorry about rent.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...