i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?