I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
In other news, I just burned my penis
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.