the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
