Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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