There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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