Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
