I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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