I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
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Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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