and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
