i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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