I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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