Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize