I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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