I want to make a zoo with you.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.