That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.