My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"